Pagibig nga naman oh.

Bakit nga ba nagpapakatanga ang isang tao sa pagibig?

Para sakin walang taong tanga. Nagkataon lang na sobra mong minahal yung tao na halos lahat ng bagay gagawin mo. Mamahalin mo siya kahit ano pa siya. Sabi nila bulag ang pagibig. Hindi rin. Ang pag ibig nakakakita pero wala siyang pake sa kanyang nakikita dahil kung mahal niya talaga yung tao, kahit ano pa siya, tatanggapin at tatanggapin niya. Minsan nga lang may mga taong sobra. Sobra magmahal, sobra magmalasakit, sobra magalala, sobra sa lahat. Yung tipong kaya sa huli siya rin yung sobrang nasaktan, sobrang umiyak, at sobrang di maka get over. Eh wala naman kasing past tense ang love. Tinuruan tayong magmahal pero di tayo tinuruan kung pano tumigil. Bakit? Kasi ang isang tao kapag minahal mo tapos sinaktan ka, walang paki ang puso. Basta minsan mo ng nabigyan ng pagmamahal, habang buhay na yang magkakaroon ng pwesto sa puso mo. Kahit ba kasing liit lang ng langgam, pwesto parin yun sa puso mo.

Walang taong may matigas na puso. Lumalambot ito kapag may nakilala na siyang tao na para sakanya. Osige sabihin nating may mga taong manhid. Ung tipong nasa harap na nila, sinusubo na, di parin makita. Siguro kasi ung mga bagay na katulad ng pagibig, para sa mga taong katulad nila, para maramdaman nila kailangan may magpakita. Eh yun na nga may nagpapakita di naman nila nararamdaman. Alam mo kung bakit? Kasi ayaw nila. Oo masakit para dun sa taong nagpaparamdam pero ganun talaga eh. Meron namang mga manhid na pinag tiyagaan talaga siya ng sobra nung taong yun at sa tamang panahon naramdaman niya. Hindi dahil sa awa kaya niya naramdaman, kundi dahil nakita niya kung gano talaga siya kamahal nung tao. Na nagpakita talaga siya ng pagmamalasakit, ng pakialam. At unti unti sa nakikita niyang yun pati siya naapektuhan. Nagkakaroon na siya ng pakiramdam at the same time nagkakaroon na siya ng feelings para sa tao.

Isang bagay na natutunan ko sa mga taong nakapaligid sakin ay ung bagay na pagdating sa pagibig walang naghahabol. Kung sa tingin mo ikaw na lang lagi ung gumagawa ng effort, nagpaparamdam, nagpapakita ng malasakit, nagpapagod.. Diba iniisip natin ang tanga tanga natin? Hinde. Para kasi sakin ung feeling na napapakita ko sa tao na yun kung gano ko siya kamahal, okay na yun eh. Para ba atleast magkaroon siya ng idea kung ano ung nararamdaman ko. Mas mabuti ng napakita kesa tinago diba? Ayoko nung nagsisisi ka sa bagay na di mo pinagisipan muna o sa bagay na di mo ginawa kasi naduduwag ka. Ung ibang tao kasi kaya naiisip nila na parang naghahabol sila ay ung bagay na lagi silang nauuna sa lahat. Nauunang gumalaw. Kunwari gustong gusto mo siyang makausap kaya syempre ikaw mauuna magtext o kaya magchat ung ganun. Tas syempre maguusap kayo. Pero sa paguusap na yun kailangan ikaw ung gagawa ng paraan para magtuloy tuloy ung paguusap. Oo masakit, nakakainis pero hindi eh. Mas gusto mo bang siya dapat mauna kahit alam mong walang pagasa o ung ikaw ang mauuna pero sure na sure kang matagal kayo magkakausap? Syempre dun ka na sa ikaw gagalaw kesa maghihintay ka ng maghihintay diba.

Ang dami dami kong sinasabi isa lang naman talaga ang gusto kong iparating. Walang tanga o naghahabol sa pagibig. Nagkataon lang na gustong gusto mo ung tao kaya sobrang tiyaga mong ipakita sakanila kung gano mo sila kamahal. Masa mabuti ng naipakita kesa tinago. Malay mo may gusto din pala sayo nahihiya lang. Communication. Yun ang pinaka mainam na solusyon sa mga nararamdaman mo. Para malaman mo ang sagot kausapin mo. Hindi ung habang buhay mo na lang iisipin kung ano sana ung pwedeng nangyari. 

This time only.

“Happy Endings aren’t real. They’re  just something fairy tales wants us to look forward to. You will never be truly happy. Somewhere out there, something or someone will burst your bubble of happiness. You will never feel happy forever. That’s just the sad reality. Fuck it.”

I don’t know if I would believe it or what. Since I was a little girl, I’ve always believed that there are happy endings. Or just the fact that someday you can be truly happy. Whether it will be because of something you’ve achieved, someone you love, somewhere nice, or just the mere thought of being problem free. But why did I ask this? Lately, I haven’t been feeling happy. True, I look happy and jolly on the outside but some part of me always do that stare into space, don’t fucking care about the world and just replay all the bad things. I’ve always wanted to cry whenever that moment happen but I can’t. People will see, people will get curious. And sometimes, when people ask, Others care but most of them are just curious. So what do I do? I shake my head and instantly smile. Though I surround myself with happy people, reality has this way of making my dreamland fucking lonely. 

I don’t think good karma applies to me. I do a lot of good things, I don’t expect nothing in return but am I really the unluckiest person in the world to not feel a little.. understood? I am not paranoid, I don’t care what people think, I don’t hurt people and I DO NOT WANT PEOPLE AROUND ME TO BE LONELY. That’s why I make sure that they’re happy all the time. I’m happy if they are. But these days.. I don’t know if I’m telling myself the truth. Am I truly happy? I don’t think so.

I do hope 11:11 and the stars grant me happiness cause that’s what I wish for everytime. Not a happy ending, not a someone, no nothing… I just wanna be happy.

Letter # 2

Dear Future Mate,

If ever we will meet right now at this moment, I want you to know that I’m not perfect. I make mistakes and that no matter how hard I try to look at things positively I always end up giving them a negative perspective. I am stubborn. No matter how hard you try to please me you have to do it more than a hundred times just for me to get it. I am serious about this. I am also always jealous. Whether jealous about a girl, a friend of yours, a thing, a hobby, a family, a show you love, a game you always place or whatever it is that you put your attention to, I always will be jealous. I want things to go my way. I want things to be under my control. And though I am not perfect, I want everything and everyone around me to be just because I want to and that mistakes is never on my list. But out of all the bad things that I am, I want to tell you that I have a good heart on people who makes me laugh. I make the biggest effort. I love going on an adventure. I like seeing the world. And I am very random. When something pops in my head, I would want to do it now because I might forget it later. Last thing on my mind right now, I hope you aren’t diabetic because I am too sweet. Sweeter than chocolate, sugar and honey combined. And lastly, I would always love you and learn to accept your every imperfection because I know that those are what truly make me love you.

Love,

Your always and forever. 

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Letter #1

For all of my life by MYMP Sway by MYMP <— I want you to play that while reading this.

Dear Future Mate,

Yesterday I reflected on something amazing. I was walking along a city full of tall buildings. You must now that night time skyline are one of my favorite things to look at. They give me happiness even when I’m at the brink of wanting to kill myself. I remembered that if ever in that moment I would meet you, I want to show you the things I’ve been seeing most of my life. How the moon always guide us wherever we go. How the stars put a smile to our face whenever we see lots of them. How the wind brushes our skin to tell us that we are never alone in this world even if we think that we are. How the fast moving cars give us the thought that life is fast and that blinking for just a millisecond would let us miss something amazing. And lastly, How I would be thanking God for letting me walk in that path, if I would ever meet you. So if you are ever gonna read this in the future, I would want to let you know that I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy. Some people may say that forever is not real, I want you and I to make a real one, let’s build a place called forever and never ever leave it. I will always love you and that no matter how things get hard, I would never give up on you. We’ll go through things together, I would never let you go. If I made you smile while reading this, you will never know how happy that makes my heart.

Love,

Your always and forever. ♥

Dance under the rain with me.

He was waiting for me beside his beat up truck. It was raining so hard. He was soaking wet. And I could tell that he has been waiting for too long because he puts up this face, the face whenever he hasn’t eaten yet. I was there standing below the waiting shed, waiting for him to go near me. I was looking at him intently. But he didn’t move. 

“What’s wrong with you? You’re gonna get sick you idiot!”

“Come here. Let’s enjoy the rain together!”

“What? Are you out of your mind? Enjoy? It looks like you are not enjoying.”

“It’s because you aren’t here with me yet.”

And that’s when it hit me. I forgot that it was our anniversary today and that we were supposed to go up in the mountains and enjoy a wonderful sunset. Go for a ride to his dad’s cabin and I dunno go for a walk in the beach and lie there forever. But here we are, outside my dorm, almost arguing. I was wearing only a pair of shorts and a hoodie beneath it is the shirt I wore when I decided to sleep in the library last night. And then I smiled. I shook my head and look at him. He was smiling too. He walked in the middle of the road and reached out for my hand.

“I love you! I love you so much! I’m so sorry.” I said. And then laughing.

“Don’t be sorry my dear. Just go here with me. Come on!”

“But I have to change first!”

“No time for that. We’re behind our schedule. We need to go now.”

“Okay!” But I’m still not moving. I looked over his shoulder to the window of the truck my pink gym bag was there. I remember my Mom packing my old clothes in it. “Do you have a plan?” 

“Remember what I told you. That unplanned moments are always better…”

“Than planned ones. Yeah I remember.”

“Then what are you waiting for?”

So I ran to him and gave him my biggest hug. And I swear it felt fantastic under the rain with him. It almost felt infinite.

“Happy anniversary baby. I love you.” He whispered. And for the next 10 minutes we were under the rain, dancing.

Thank you Superfriend ♥

Have you ever wondered what it feels like to get attention without putting so much effort? To be noticed by many even though you look inexplicably ordinary? To get compliments though you feel like your everyday self? To get a smile from someone even though you didn’t do anything to them? To get a hug from someone just because they thought that you needed one? To get a high grade without really studying? To receive an allowance from your parents though they’re short on cash? Or just the simple thought of hearing an “I Love You” from someone unexpected? Those are the everyday things we wish we hadn’t thought of but still it lingers in our mind. We do not know how it got there yet we also do not know how will it go away. Everyday thoughts, turned into feelings. Good, happy feelings turned into laughter. Bad, sad feelings turned into tears. But can one person really hide all of this? Hide from all the feelings she kept? Delete it as if it’s some virus on their computer? Ignore it as if it’s some spam a stranger on the internet sent? Throw it as if it’s some rotten food that smells so bad? I wish it was that easy. But the truth is. No one is really too strong for stuff like this. All of us has soft spots. Spot that are needed to be filled with love, a love that I suggest must come from God. From our Superfriend. Because really he can be there. Even if we don’t see him, hear him, smell him… We can always feel him. So I therefore conclude that even though this day hasn’t been really the best day of my week. I thank God that he has given me a life full of people who loves me just the way I am. A life filled with great blessings. A life that is definitely over pouring with happiness that sometimes you don’t notice it. And finally for giving me a heart that is occupied with his love.

 

“Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is not like faith, or love, that exist just as does light and heat. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God’s love present in his heart. It’s like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light.” -Albert Einstein

I’m confused.

The other night my mind was full of questions. I mean everyday, everynight my mind’s full of questions but it was different this time. It was 100x more. And they’re processing at the same time. I couldn’t think normally. And that was when it hit me. I’m not normal. My insanity is acting up. It felt strange. I was terrified.

So I started writing things again, reading stuff, listening to songs so it would make me feel better. But none of it was working. Only when I read that text, I was fine again. I kept on thinking:  Inhale happiness, exhale sadness. Inhale positivity, Exhale negativity. Inhale Love, Exhale Hate. Some people even think that I’m a blessing to their life cause whenever they listen to my advice or just to anything I would say, somehow they see a better view. I always laugh whenever they say that. I mean come on, everything I say is just what an average person would. But they thought otherwise.

I have lots of friends actually. But whenever I’m with them. I still feel alone. You ever felt entering a room full of people that are so close to you yet still feel… Alone? It’s like rummaging through something you need to find and you’re losing hope because you just can’t find it. But the truth is, you were just looking at the wrong place. You ever realized that?

I’m tired. All the time. I don’t know if it’s because of school works, stress at home, my environment or just the thought of me not letting go of things I should be. I hate it. Same shit, Different day.

I do, I do care.

I never thought that I’d be walking in place where I swear I never would again. I was walking to the part where I wish I wouldn’t remember anymore. But the truth is. I still remember everything. How much it hurts and how much I badly regret it. Sometimes people only give you one chance yet you unconsciously ruin it. And then there are times where there are plenty of chances right infront of you yet you’re so afraid to take it. What I would want right now is to forget. Forget about all the things and start living. Cause honestly I think I’m just wasting my time for people who doesn’t even give a shit about what I feel. So yeah, Let’s get back to the part where I was walking. He was there. Staring at me while I go near him. He look so pale yet still charming. I raised my eyebrows at him but he gave me this heartmelting smile. Ohgod I just couldn’t resist it. So I had to smile back. I had to be the one who’ll talk first.

 ”What are you doing here? Why did you call me?” 

“We need to talk. We need to talk about things.”

“What things?”

“The thing I said to you yesterday. I was serious.”

“Okaaay.”

“What do you mean okay?”

“You said you love me. What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to know. I want you to tell me how you feel. I want to know if you feel the same way.”

“Charles, I’m engaged. I can’t just say I love you and runaway with you. I can’t. That night when I told you I love you, I was waiting for an answer. But all you gave to me was that puppy dog eyes look that you always give me. Charles I’m inlove with you since 8th grade. You’re my bestfriend. I shouldn’t have told you that but it felt good. Only I was wrong. You didn’t even tell me you would take the deal and marry that bitch and move to France. You left me hanging. How am I supposed to feel? And now that I’m finally happy, You come back here and you tell me that you love me? That’s just plain bullshit.”

I started crying. I couldn’t control it. He went near me and hugged me. Kissed my hair and whispered

“I love you. I came back because I wanted to tell you I love you and how I couldn’t live my life without you. That’s just it. If you want me to go away, I will. I want you to be happy. And if you’re happy, I’m happy too. Are you happy?”

I buried my head in his chest and started shaking.

“I was never happy. Not without you.”

You got me.

I read this story about a guy who’s questioning the existence of God.

Boy: Do you believe sir that there is God?

Professor: Why not?

Boy: To see is to believe. Well I don’t see him then why would I believe in him?

Professor: You got brains right? A heart?

Boy: Yes sir.

Professor: Do you see them? Except the fact that they’re inside you. But do you see them? How can you be sure that those are really what’s inside you?

Boy: …

Professor: Exactly. That’s why we have faith.

So let’s talk about possibilities. I just finished reading a book entitled the realm of possibility, All I know is that it has taught me so many things. Everything about possibilities. Well to be honest, it taught me how to understand love even more. Boy to girl, Girl to girl, Boy to boy, Young to Old, Fat to skinny, Labels. Everything about labels, erased. All you have to think about while reading, all you have to feel is the love they feel. The hatred, the pain, the excitement, the curiousness, the joy they feel. You connect with them. It will take you to a whole new world. That’s what it did to me. It’s like they were my own friends, that I’m listening to their stories. I really did felt the intensity of their feelings, it’s like they were just infront of me.

But what about possibilities? Have you ever thought of something impossible yet when you think about it now, it was possible. Skydiving, loving someone in the same gender, flunking an exam, cutting classes, falling inlove, lying, confessing something you’ve done or even doing the thing you’re most afraid of. Those are the impossible things, things that you wouldn’t do unless it was planned. But think now, You’ve done almost all of it right? That people is what the realm of possibility is for me. We are all in this bubble, we all think of all the impossible things yet we do them and they become a possibility.